How to lose 20 lbs overnight.

15 Nov

I’m about to tell you a true story.

A few weeks ago, I’m lounging around the house, dinner done, comfy in my robe and fuzzy socks. And my dear husband asks if I can help him with something, which these days often involves doing something for his online science class. So it means holding up a yardstick while he bounces a ball, or rolling something that was never meant to be rolled or him making knots in my hair to build up static electricity or something like that. So sure, whatever.

This time I’m informed that we each have to weigh ourselves, and then time each other running up the stairs.

Great Idea, Beav!!!

That girl in the back left? Just weighed herself with an Ikea scale. For SCIENCE.

For the sake of my husbands education, I subject myself to this torture, despite the fact that I was already comfortable in my PJs and robe with a cup of tea. I had to actually put shoes on which sucks after you’re already in robe-mode. And then there’s the part where I have to weigh myself, something I’ve managed to avoid the last few months.

Blurg.

Anyway, so I get on the scale and…..

TWENTY POUNDS.

GAINED.

What the WHAT?!?!

"Mystery solved! Liz ATE the cigarettes!"

I’ve never gained that much in such a short time. I was totally confused. My clothes weren’t really fitting any differently. I didn’t feel much different. I got off the scale and back on. I checked to make sure it was at the “0” when I was off. Nothing. I couldn’t argue with it.

So I cried instead.

I’m not generally one of those girls who obessesses about weight or wearing the perfect face everytime I leave the house but for heaven’s sake, you’d have to be the mother of Jabba the Hut (presuming his issues are genetic) in order to not think much about 20 lbs in such a small amount of time. I’m not a emotion-less robot, nor am I the overweight blobmom of a fictional character from an overrated sci-fi trilogy (YES, I SAID OVERRATED, AND YES I SAID TRILOGY. I STAND BY MY STATEMENTS.) Hence my tears.

Jabba the Hut Cake. Irony. Or something.

Ben felt awful. He felt like it was his fault, for making me get on the scales. I told him it wasn’t his fault that I (cover the ears of the children) was a fatass. At which point he gave me that “stop it” look and told me that stuff that husbands say about “no, you’re not” and “beautiful” and blah blah. I know he means it, but it was hard to hear in that moment.

Oh, and when I thought about it the next night I cried again.

So that was a few weeks ago. I’ve been charging up to get my fatass in gear and lose those 20 that appeared without my paying attention. (But my birthday was last week, so I wasn’t going to start THEN. Der.)

Fast forward to this morning. This morning I have the dreaded yearly lady-doctor appointment. (Though this is where I mention how much I really and truly love my OB-GYN and his AMAZING Nurse Practioner, Jodi, who I actually look forward to seeing at said appointments. She is so wonderful, I must be the only woman on earth who doesn’t REALLY these things because I get to catch up with her.)

I fill out the forms and they copy my new insurance card, call me back and ask me to get on the scales. I raise my chin with the attitude of a woman WHO IS NOT ABOUT TO CRY AT THAT NUMBER. I got on and….

Wait, what?

WHAT?!

The 20 lbs NEVER FREAKING EXISTED. I weighed in at my normal weight.

Damn you, Ikea*, and your $5 scale. I knew you were too cheap to be true.

Imma hafta go all Office Space on you.

Imagine yourself as the fax machine record**. Because I AM COMING FOR YOU, LYING SCALE.

-M-

*I like lots of Ikea stuff, and we have appreciated many items that we have bought during our yearly visits to Cincinatti to go there, but I may have written this in a bout of well-placed anger.

**I linked the Family Guy parody of the Office Space scene, because the song on the original is unedited and I didn’t want to offend anyone. I mean, any more than usual.

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One Response to “How to lose 20 lbs overnight.”

  1. Amy L-W May 31, 2011 at 11:34 am #

    LMAO!!!! Hi! Apparently I am now a blog stalker… But oh wow that was so super funny.

    I would post more but apparently the new puppy wants me to pay attention to her as she has not planted herself on my computer.

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